My Feet Have an E-Mail Address?!

This is a simple cut-and-paste of a letter that I received in my e-mail recently.

Dear Michelle,

On behalf of your whole person, we would like to congratulate you on the completion of both the Country Music Half Marathon and the San Antonio Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon. What a feat! It isn't every day you see someone like you run/walk 13.1 miles, especially with injuries. Wow. That additional medal that the organization sent last month (for completing two half marathons in the series in one year), was impressive in size, by all means. Kuddos.

With that said, we would like to bring to your attention that for the last four and a half years, you have been carrying around an extra 45 pounds. By any chance, are you planning to take action against these fat cells? We have scheduled peace talks with said fat cells, but they have clearly stated that they need an official stance from you personally. Without action from you, they will not only stand firm, but they will continue to multiply and wreck havoc on your entire body.

As your feet, we have carried you for miles at a time, with minimal complaint. However, this will not continue as our policy. You know that heel pain that you have been complaining about lately? Well, perhaps if you would stretch the gastrocnemius, solius, and Achilles tendons more frequently, we would not have to send such unpleasant messages to you. After all, we have transported you 13.1 miles at your will and you have never--not once--consulted us. On top of that, half marathons are in the wee hours of the morning. And how is it that they are always scheduled during "that special time of the month"? But we digress. Although we are please that you no longer make disparaging remarks about our size or lack of cuteness, we would appreciate more frequent pedicures. We're just saying...

Your fingers would like to point out that your original wedding rings do not fit. Your waistline would like to bring to your attention that the padding that has accumulated may increase our risk of a heart attack. Your ankles would like to remind you of how crappy the Country Music Half Marathon felt because they were still sprained. The other parts had complaints as well, but they have requested a private conference with you to discuss their concerns. Please expect a call from our representative this week.

We are pleased to have delivered not one, but two beautiful, healthy kiddos. In order for them to grow up with a clearer understanding of the importance of good health, we, your body, suggest that you set a stronger example by demonstrating healthy eating habits, consistent exercise, and regular sleep. We assure you that if you follow that simple plan, you will have more energy, feel stronger, and tell funnier jokes (maybe not the last part).

Your half marathon schedule for this year looks good, if a bit ambitious, but please consider this a formal notification that if you do not train properly for these events, we will not carry you across any finish lines, including races as short as the 5k. We love you and respect you, and this is not about how the ass is beginning to look like two breakfast sausages arm wrestling in your jeans. This is about excellent health. Therefore, we will see you on the treadmill tomorrow morning.

With love,
Your Feet

P.S. It has not escaped our attention that if you lose the extra, unhealthy weight, we can knit things using less yarn, meaning we can buy the higher-end, more expensive stuff!