My Feet Have an E-Mail Address?!

This is a simple cut-and-paste of a letter that I received in my e-mail recently.

Dear Michelle,

On behalf of your whole person, we would like to congratulate you on the completion of both the Country Music Half Marathon and the San Antonio Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon. What a feat! It isn't every day you see someone like you run/walk 13.1 miles, especially with injuries. Wow. That additional medal that the organization sent last month (for completing two half marathons in the series in one year), was impressive in size, by all means. Kuddos.

With that said, we would like to bring to your attention that for the last four and a half years, you have been carrying around an extra 45 pounds. By any chance, are you planning to take action against these fat cells? We have scheduled peace talks with said fat cells, but they have clearly stated that they need an official stance from you personally. Without action from you, they will not only stand firm, but they will continue to multiply and wreck havoc on your entire body.

As your feet, we have carried you for miles at a time, with minimal complaint. However, this will not continue as our policy. You know that heel pain that you have been complaining about lately? Well, perhaps if you would stretch the gastrocnemius, solius, and Achilles tendons more frequently, we would not have to send such unpleasant messages to you. After all, we have transported you 13.1 miles at your will and you have never--not once--consulted us. On top of that, half marathons are in the wee hours of the morning. And how is it that they are always scheduled during "that special time of the month"? But we digress. Although we are please that you no longer make disparaging remarks about our size or lack of cuteness, we would appreciate more frequent pedicures. We're just saying...

Your fingers would like to point out that your original wedding rings do not fit. Your waistline would like to bring to your attention that the padding that has accumulated may increase our risk of a heart attack. Your ankles would like to remind you of how crappy the Country Music Half Marathon felt because they were still sprained. The other parts had complaints as well, but they have requested a private conference with you to discuss their concerns. Please expect a call from our representative this week.

We are pleased to have delivered not one, but two beautiful, healthy kiddos. In order for them to grow up with a clearer understanding of the importance of good health, we, your body, suggest that you set a stronger example by demonstrating healthy eating habits, consistent exercise, and regular sleep. We assure you that if you follow that simple plan, you will have more energy, feel stronger, and tell funnier jokes (maybe not the last part).

Your half marathon schedule for this year looks good, if a bit ambitious, but please consider this a formal notification that if you do not train properly for these events, we will not carry you across any finish lines, including races as short as the 5k. We love you and respect you, and this is not about how the ass is beginning to look like two breakfast sausages arm wrestling in your jeans. This is about excellent health. Therefore, we will see you on the treadmill tomorrow morning.

With love,
Your Feet

P.S. It has not escaped our attention that if you lose the extra, unhealthy weight, we can knit things using less yarn, meaning we can buy the higher-end, more expensive stuff!

Hell No, We Won't Go!

Today could possibly be among the most important days in our nation's history. We have issues, ladies and gentlemen. In this land of plenty--despite a recession--we have problems that have plagued us for a few years now. You know what I'm talking about...

Skinny jeans.

Never mind the fact that I thought we buried skinny jeans in the '80s, skinny jeans serve only two purposes: 1. make skinny chicks look skinnier; 2. make non-skinny chicks look like an ice cream cone. I am among the latter, but more on that in a minute. Look Skinny Chicks, the rest of us get that your thighs do not meet in the middle unless one of us annoyed non-skinnies is tying you into a pretzel (which is good for our upper body strength, so pat yourselves on the back for helping us on our quests for better health), so we really don't need so see this highlighted by ubertight jeans. In addition, skinny jeans tend to be low-rise as well, and if everyone else wanted to see your private 411, we would ask. This brings up the point that if you wear your skinny jeans and a tiny top, don't get pissed off when men gape at you. They are generally attracted to slutty things.

As for walking around looking like an ice cream cone, well, do I really need to expound?

I plan to do my part in this war against skinny jeans. Ugh, they are just bad fashion. Skinny chicks: The boyfriend jeans looked so adorable on you. Bring those back. Non-skinny chicks: A straighter cut from the hip down looks sexy. Pick that. I will begin my crusade at Old Navy today! (Since my local shop is next to a bookstore...)

So, no, I am not among the skinny jeans set. If I were at my goal weight, would I choose skinny jeans? Nope. If I hit my goal weight (which is the high end of my healthy weight), I will walk around gloriously naked. Consider yourselves warned.

Oh! The inauguration. Yes, I plan to tune in because this could be my final day to live in youthful and naive optimism.

New Home, New Year

How does one open up a new blog? It isn't like an open house, where you just post signs around the neighborhood, directing the way to a piece of sometimes over-priced real estate. I considered a drawing. I could give away yarn. The problem: Why attract readers when I don't know how consistent my posts will be? Or if my posts will have any relevance. If I can reach, oh, say, 50 posts with the regularity of a high-fiber diet, then I will for sure throw someone some yarn-y love.

As previously stated in the old blog, this is the Year of Michelle. It simply means that I do things that will make me a smarter, stronger, healthier version of myself, and that better things will come to me and those around me. Unfortunately, this month is clouded in shrapnel from the blast known as 2008. One of my dearest friends lost her mother a few weeks ago, and another dear friend lost his father recently. After all of the deaths in my family last year, including my mom's, it's about time for things to start perking up.

So, here's to a new year, complete with new experiences and new people, and lots of yarn, music, movies, and creme brulee.